A Quick Bar of Musical Amusement

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished; the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and is now au naturel.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.  The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides he needs a rest - and closes the bar.

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?

Have them miss every other note.

How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn?

Stick your hand in the bell and mess up all the notes.

What do you get when you cross a Horn player and a goal post?

A goalpost that can't march.

How many Horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

Why is the French horn a divine instrument?

Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?

"Hi. I played that last year."

OR

"Hi. I did that piece in middle school."

What is the difference between a squirrel and a French horn player in the back of a taxi?

The squirrel is probably going to a gig. (Submitted by Ronald Schroff)

How many horn players does it take to change a light bulb?

100, one to change it, and a 99 others to say how much better they could have done it.
(Submitted by Matt Eckenhoff)

How can you know a horn player is coming to you?

The doorbell has missed the tune! (Submitted by Artturi Lähdetie)

What is a difference between a conductor and a horn player?

TWO MEASURES !  (Submitted by Aleksander Bozic)

What is a brass player's favorite movie?

Gone with the Woodwinds.

What do you call 600 saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the ass in the back!

A Dating Story

A girl went out on a date with a trumpet player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchure make him a great kisser?"

"Nah," the first girl replied. "That dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no fun at all."

The next night she went out with a tuba player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Ugh!" the first girl exclaimed. "Those huge, rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat; oh, it was just gross!"

The next night she went out with a French horn player, and when she came back her roommate asked, "Well, how was his kissing?"

"Well," the first girl replied, "his kissing was just so-so; but I loved the way he held me!"

Descriptions of band/orchestra personnel:

Conductor:
leaps tall buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a locomotive
is faster than a speeding bullet
walks on water gives policy to a god

Percussionist:
falls over the doorstep when trying to enter buildings
says "look at the choo-choo"
wets himself with a water pistol
plays in mud puddles
loses arguments with himself

Saxophone Player:
runs into buildings
recognizes locomotives 2 times out of 3
is not issued any ammunition
can stay afloat with a life jacket
talks to walls, argues with himself

Clarinet Player:
Too afraid too jump building because of their reed
Works in locomotives
too busy with reed for gun
throws reed into water
thinks reed is a god

Trombone Player:
leaps short buildings in a single bound
is more powerful than a switch engine
is just as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water if sea is calm
talks with a god

Flute Player:
barely clears a Quonset hut
loses tug-of-war with locomotive
can fire a speeding bullet
swims well
is occasionally addressed by a god

Oboe Player:
leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
is almost as powerful as a switch engine
is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
talks to a god if special request is approved

Bassoon Player:
makes marks on the wall when trying to clear short buildings
is run over by a locomotive
can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
dog-paddles
talks to animals

Trumpet Player:
argues with building when it won't get out of the way
sleeps in locomotive
claims it's too easy to catch bullets in teeth explaining why he really can't
saves water to drink after every triple C
thinks he's a god.

Horn Player:
lifts buildings and walks under them
kicks locomotives off the tracks
catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
freezes water with a single glance
is a god

A Fish Story

A Horn player is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the horn player, "If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future.  I have good news, and I have bad news for you."

"That's a deal," the horn-player says. 

"Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!"

"Woooooow!" the horn player screams.  "That's great!"

"Yeah," the fish says, "but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!"
(Submitted by Bastiaan van Vliet)

God made some people horn players.
Others were not so fortunate.

How many times does a horn player laugh at a joke? - Once, when he hears it.
How many times does a trumpet player laugh at a joke? - Twice, once when he hears it and again when he gets it.
How many times does a tuba player laugh at a joke - Three times, once when he hears it, once when it's explained to him and once when he gets it.
How many times does a percussionist laugh at a joke? - He doesn't-he starts a fight because he thinks everyone is laughing at him.

While walking around at a music festival, this announcement was heard in the background...
"Would the musicians and drummers please come to the staging area."
(Submitted by Jennifer Vondenhuevel )

Fun with words.

A conductor was putting on a performance of Beethoven's 9th Symphony at 8.  Unfortunately, his chorus couldn't be there until 6, so he started rehearsal without them.  In the middle of the rehearsal, the air conditioning broke, so they brought out huge fans to keep the orchestra cool.  This worked, but the conductor's score kept blowing away, so he had to tie it down.  During this, the bass section and two cellists decided that they had had enough, so they went to the tavern across the street and got really drunk.  In fact, the two cellists never came back.  So six-o-clock rolls around and the chorus arrived.  By then the air conditioning had been fixed and they continued with the rehearsal.  Finally, it was 8 and the concert began.  The concert was almost finished when the air conditioning went out again, so the fans were brought out and the conductor tied his score down.  It was very hard to try and turn the page while conducting, and he was about to quit, because it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the basses were loaded, there were two outs, and the fans were going wild.

Horn Performance Degree vs. 4 Years of Intensive Video Gaming

Hoping to demonstrate the value of music education as a replacement for video gaming, a psychologist arranged for the controlled education of two similarly-qualified high school students.  The first student was provided with a 4 year education at a major university, unlimited access to a video arcade and an inexhaustible supply of quarters.  The second student was provided with a 4 year education at a major music conservatory, unlimited access to a horn teacher, and a professional quality double horn.

The study was summarized as follows:

Student A became obsessed with and spent 8+ hours a day playing PacMan.  Normal personal hygiene and social skills declined, and no friendships were formed, except with students similarly obsessed.  Student A did not find regular employment after graduation, preferring instead to continue his long hours playing PacMan.  After three years, he began to understand that he could not earn a living playing PacMan, and after 5 years, Student A has obtained reasonably secure employment as a computer programmer.

Student B became obsessed with and spent 8+ hours a day playing his Paxman.  Normal personal hygiene and social skills declined, and no friendships were formed, except with students similarly obsessed.  Student B did not find regular employment after graduation, preferring instead to continue long hours playing his Paxman.  After three years, he began to understand that he could not earn a living playing his Paxman, and after 5 years, Student B has obtained reasonably secure employment as a computer programmer.

Conclusion:  There is no significant difference between an undergraduate degree in horn performance and 4 years of intensive video gaming.
(Submitted by Jonathan Quist)